Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Finally

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.