Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

felt that

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.