Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

As per my last nervous breakdown

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

#parenting

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that