Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Breaking news:

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.