Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐