Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You Might Also Like
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
fair
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
adam and eve had first world problems
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!