Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Breaking news:
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING