Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Saturday
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.