Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
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It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I can fix him.
North and South
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
me when somebody idk start touching me
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Venn
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I can’t stop watching this.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”