Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a DM.
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”