Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a DM.

You Might Also Like


Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”


I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.


Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?


My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.


Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what


It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…


Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?


“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”