@ShoutingGoddess

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a DM.

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@jordan_stratton

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

@Carbosly

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

@BruceForce

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@LoveYoorFate

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

@djdarrellripley

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

@withanewname

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”