HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.