Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
hackers play passwordle
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.