Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?