*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.