*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
The little toadstool has spoken.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids