*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.