*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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yea so i messed up lol
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
me
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Discuss
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will