Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.