Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

I can’t deal with men any longer

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.