Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
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synchronized noseblowing
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
this is uni
