Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!