Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking phone security to the next level.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.