Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Thank you corporation very cool

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”