[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.