Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’