[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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You sure about that?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse