[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Called it
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.