Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.