Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken