Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.