Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”