Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

my first dose meeting my second

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

I’ve been drinking.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.