Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Time heals everything 🙂

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.