Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
For real 🤣
Squirrels before girls.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Just grow your own
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!