Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.