Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Feel. He’s so soft.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Good morning, Twitter x