Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house