Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years