Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy