Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

I found your tweet-up…

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space