Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

I disagree with my politics

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”