Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

turning my gender off to conserve energy