Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

is this meant to deter me

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.