fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Lmao 🤣
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Interior design 👌
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera