Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

my retirement plan is braless

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER