Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Anyone want a chair?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”