fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
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woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*