Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

the official breakfast of 2021

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Please do it!

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Cheer up.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time