fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.