fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading