fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Whoa 😂
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
