fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
This is true.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?