fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You Might Also Like
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter