Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
bugs when you lift up a rock
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.