Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?