FRED: right
You Might Also Like
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.