FRED: right
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I had to Stop for this
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
True statement👍😏😁
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.