Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
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When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
i dont have time for this
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
