Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Children of the Corn Man
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw