Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.