Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?