Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.