Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Blew my mind.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *