Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
By Kate Hatos
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?