Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

A leaf blower, but for people.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…