Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

We avoided this particular disaster

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead