Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.