Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Okay this one takes it home

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.