Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh