Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang