Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.