Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock