Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L