Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Thursday Thought.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue