[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison