[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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Canadian owl: Eh?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.