Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.