Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor